How to...get a US visa

Believe it or not, if you travel by cargo ship to the US you need to get a visa before you travel. Unlike Brits who fly or even come by scheduled cruise ship you don’t qualify for the usual visa-waiver scheme. That means dollars – lots of ‘em – and allowing plenty of time to be processed through the system.

So force a grin, remind yourself that you’re travelling in a far more interesting (and environmentally-responsible) fashion and take it on the stiff-upper lip.

You will need to apply for an non-immigrant visa – that means scrubbing yourself up and going for an interview at the US embassy in Grosvenor Square (if you happen to live near London, of course).

In order to book your appointment you must first dial up the premium-rate phone number 09042-450100 (£1.20/minute - a typical call lasts 10 minutes). Try and book your interview appointment for as early as possible in order to minimise your wait in line.

In exchange for the fee ($131 at the time of our applying) you are sent an interview confirmation letter. You are also directed to DS-156 form, which you must complete online. Chaps aged 16-49 are also required to fill in one extra form, in order to assure the authorities of their good intentions.

On the day of your interview, book the morning off work and take a brolly (you are made to wait outside), along with the heap of documents required to prove that you a fine upstanding subject of her Britannic majesty. Mobiles, backberries, peapods and other fruitily-titled or otherwise electronic equipment are not welcome so take a good book.

Be prepared for a long wait, but a relatively short ‘interview’. You will go to two separate counters – one to hand in your documents and the other, for your ‘interview’ – more a quick chat. Our interviewer was a nice, friendly fellow who had no hesitation in granting us the standard ten year visa.

Then comes the sting in the tail – arranging the return of the passport you have so willingly just handed over the counter. You have no choice but to use the couriers, standing like vultures, at the exit. Laughingly-entitled ‘Secure mail Services’, I found them without question the most useless postal company I have ever encountered (and that is against some pretty stiff opposition).

I’ll spare you the details but take care to be very specific about how, where and when you’d would like your passport returned before parting with (up to) twenty notes. You must sign in person for the delivery when it finally comes.